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Depression

alexis_the_tiny2010-12-13 00:11:52 +0000 #1
I need to rant. After months of thinking I've gotten my chronic depression under control finally, I've slid firmly back into it again. Which isn't unexpected, given that despite all optimism from the doctors and shrinks, I've had cycle after cycle of 'feeling good-oops, depressed again-oh, feel good' again for, well, pretty much my whole life.

What I didn't expect is how much it'd affect my training. I understand that when in a state like that, I can expect to not find pleasure in doing just about everything. I did not, however, expect to wake up this morning for a much anticipated ride to be hit by the feeling of "S**t, I'm not cut out for this, I'm wasting my time, I hate my bike, why am I not selling the darned bike and just calling it a day". Neither did I expect that after FINALLY dragging my butt out to my usual training route, I would stop after 5km and just start BAWLING my eyes out in front of God and every dang cyclist training on that road, because there's another 55km more to go.

Normally, I'd just take a break and do something else. But I have my first long distance duathlon in a MONTH. The cut off time of 5 hours was stressing me out mildly. Now, the cut off time seems like a huge, insurmountable obstacle and I don't even know why I bother. Obviously, the answer is to see my therapist more often until this whole episode blows away. I'm just so annoyed by the whole thing. Its embarrassing, to begin with. And I've always prided myself on my ability to at least suck it up when faced with something like physical pain or a long distance ride. Instead, I just melted like the wicked witch in a swimming pool.


Blueberry2010-12-13 00:19:53 +0000 #2
No advice, just a virtual hug.
KnottedYet2010-12-13 00:37:10 +0000 #3
Hugs from me, too.

Yes, it sucks.

Therapists are good, but also ask your doc to check your vit D levels and iron levels. Changing of the seasons really throws my vit D off whack and I need to supplement vit D to a ridiculous degree just to be in the low normal range. I got so bad last year that my doc put me on antidepressants while she waited for the blood level tests to come back. (the antidepressants nearly killed me, because I wasn't actually depressed at the time) I've done enough therapy that I should have been given a frickin' honorary PhD in psychology, but all the good tricks I learned for dealing with the dumps were useless in the face of vit D and iron deficiency.

One week of intense vit D and iron (CRAZY amounts) and my world was a better place.

It's very simplistic and ridiculously low-tech, but it might be worth checking your vit D and iron now. Perhaps they are playing a contributing part in your cycles of good-oops-good-oops.
shootingstar2010-12-13 00:24:12 +0000 #4
Quote:

Normally, I'd just take a break and do something else. But I have my first long distance duathlon in a MONTH. The cut off time of 5 hours was stressing me out mildly. Now, the cut off time seems like a huge, insurmountable obstacle and I don't even know why I bother.

Gosh, I'm a slacker by comparison. I have zero interest in competing in anything related to cycling or in any sport for past few decades. If I did, for certain it would pull me down further in a depression.

Regardless of your performance, hope you still keep on cycling. Or jogging abit. Just for your own sheer pleasure. Otherwise, why do it?

Keep bits of the natural endorphin drug chugging along while you work away with therapist on other stuff.
KnottedYet2010-12-13 01:03:54 +0000 #5
"Regardless of your performance, hope you still keep on cycling. Or jogging abit. Just for your own sheer pleasure. Otherwise, why do it?"

Clinical depression is a wee bit different than being overwhelmed by the thought of competition.

It's not just a gloomy day.

It's when you wake up in the morning, needing to pee, and have to actively decide whether to just wet the bed or get up and use the toilet. And getting up to use the toilet becomes the major activity of the day, requiring the kind of effort most folks use to complete a marathon.

Shtting Star, I'm very glad you've never experienced clinical depression.

(part of true depression is that there IS NO pleasure, in *anything*, so doing something for sheer pleasure is moot. Bummer, but that's the way it is.)
OakLeaf2010-12-13 01:24:46 +0000 #6
(((((alexis)))))

I know you know ... but don't be embarrassed. Shame is such a vicious cycle. You were crying, they were sweating, it's what your bodies do. It's OK.

Hang in there. We're pulling for you.
Crankin2010-12-13 03:13:44 +0000 #7
Yes, clinical depression is not the same as fear of competition, but the stress relating to the upcoming event can trigger a new round of depressed thoughts. Like any other disease, sometimes you have to change approaches. Go see your therapist, evaluate your psychotropic meds with your doctor, and like Knott said, check out a few simple things that could affect your mood.

PM me if you want.
malkin2010-12-13 03:45:30 +0000 #8
alexis, I'm sorry.

But after you melted down, you got up, and at least now you are typing, and it sounds like you have a path to walk even now while it is hard.

I was bawling all over town yesterday. I mostly managed to make it to my car, but yah-it's embarrassing or socially weird and certainly not my first choice.

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