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badger2011-03-01 23:26:15 +0000 #1
I decided to put this in the health issues section because, I guess, it's a health issue.

As some of you may know, my father passed away in November. He was a good, kind father when I was a little girl, but as I grew older, he became more distant to the point where by the time I was an adult, all we talked about was small talk (weather, gardening, etc).

For a good chunk of my adult life he was physically far away as well, living in another continent. Then my parents moved back about 5 years ago and we saw each other about once a week.

I'm not close with either of my parents (well, not with my brother, either), so I assumed that when my father died, I would be more or less "ok".

But lately I've been very unmotivated to do anything. I'd make lists to get myself focused, but I just can't concentrate on them. I'm down and mopey a lot, which I attributed to the northwest's dreary winter.

Some days, like today, I'm just sad for no reason. I would cry at the drop of a hat over small things, and berate myself for being so sensitive.

By chance, I met up with a woman who is a retired psychologist. I was seeing her for a completely different matter, but she zeroed in on my state of blah-ness. She said I'm underestimating the power of the loss of a parent. Regardless of the fact he may have been physically and or emotionally absent makes it worse because I'm mourning for something I wished.

Anyways, I'm just writing this mostly to let it out, as apparently I've been holding it in. Grief is a complex thing, and I shouldn't think that I'm "over" it simply because we weren't close.

I know something isn't right, I just feel so lost and overwhelmed sometimes. Like my feelings are blunted and I can't get excited about anything.

I called a grief counselor.

OakLeaf2011-03-01 23:41:12 +0000 #2

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Hope you start to feel better soon.
Muirenn2011-03-01 23:37:57 +0000 #3
I'm sorry for your los Badger.

Maybe you need to give yourself permission to grieve and feel regret. It took me a long time with my mom. Sooner is better.
emily_in_nc2011-03-02 00:48:40 +0000 #4
For me, losing my dad was the hardest thing I've had to go through in life. Much harder than losing beloved grandparents, friends, dear pets, even miscarrying my one and only IVF pregnancy after years of struggling with infertility.

My dad had his faults, and we had fought hard over the years, during my parents' divorce and after, but had become friends as adults. I had huge admiration for him and his accomplishments, even though I still had some resentment over things that happened after he and my mom divorced and after he married his second wife. But no one looked at me like he did. I could always see the love in his eyes. I was always his only daughter, and I knew that meant something to him.

It took me months to stop crying after his death. He died suddenly (in a car accident), so I had no closure and was both angry and grief-stricken at the same time. I never imagined how difficult it would be to lose him, even though I only saw him a few times a year. I didn't go to counseling, but I did read a lot of grief books. Mostly, it just took time - way more time than I imagined. I didn't get back on my bike for over eight months after he died, and I had no desire to do anything social for about the same amount of time. It's been 5 years now, and I am much, much better, but I still miss him like crazy and guess I always will.

Good luck to you, badger. Time is your best friend now.
sgtiger2011-03-02 01:11:36 +0000 #5

I'm sorry for loss. It's courageous to share your grief and to seek out help when you need it.

I too was once close to my dad, but am not now. I'm struggling to build a new relationship with him, but it's difficult because he keeps us, his kids, at arms length. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him before I had the chance to do that.
PamNY2011-03-02 00:51:00 +0000 #6
I'm glad you called a grief counselor. For me, grieving my parents was really unpredictable (and different for each parent).

Grief does what it does. It's almost like a disease that simply has to run its course.

I suggest taking care of yourself as well as you can, and reminding yourself that it takes time. Good luck to you.

Tri Girl2011-03-02 01:36:14 +0000 #7
hugs to you, Badger.

I can empathize with you, having been through a similar situation with my own father.

Everyone is right, it will take time. There are times, even 12 years later, that I'll suddenly cry over the smallest thing, then realize that small thing is somehow related to my father in some way.

I'm glad you've sought counseling. I wish I had been so brave as to have taken that step.

Thanks for sharing with us. Talking about it might just help you through your immense grief.
channlluv2011-03-02 00:11:06 +0000 #8

I'm right there with you. My father passed away a year ago November, too, after fighting a two-year battle with cancer. I got to be at his bedside the last week of his life. He and I weren't especially close, either. He and my mother divorced when I was very young, and their relationship was acrimonious at best.

He was in and out of my life. He did get to meet my husband, and he gave my daughter guitar lessons while he was still able to play. The last week, she played for him. He smiled.

A few days ago, as I was driving to meet a friend for a bike ride, I was approaching a red light and out of nowhere, I heard him call me. "Hey, Babe!" I heard his voice. It jolted me so bad I started crying.

It will take time. Give yourself space to grieve.

Much love.




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