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Holy ****!!! Tim Sylvia is back!

Onion2011-08-24 06:40:34 +0000 #1
Timmah's back!!!

Deliverance, IL,

Last night in MMA action, former UFC legend, Tim "My sideburns are cool" Sylvia beat up a scrub, Patrick Barrentine, in a tool shed somewhere in the back roads in Rockford. A raucous crowd of over 13 people were there to watch the action unfold.

Despite the fact that his opponent came in as a late replacement on a week's notice, Tim was still able to secure a first round TKO via ferocious ground and pound. What makes this victory even more impressive, his opponent trains under MMA god, Jorge Gurgel, making Sylvia a 85-1 underdog. Unfortunately everybody, including Tim, bet on his opponent, so nobody cashed in on what could have been a serious jackpot.

With news of this impressive win, UFC President Dana White flew directly to Rockford, hopped on a bus to the city limits, then hitchhiked via 4-wheeler for 60 miles through the woods to the venue to personally congratulate Timmah. White immediately offered Sylvia an immediate title shot against BOTH Junior Dos Santos AND Cain Velasquez.

When asked why he would be fighting both guys at once, White responded "We just signed a big deal ****ing with Fox, and we can't have any serious incidents inside the ****ing cage or the deal will go to ****. I like both Cain and Junior and don't want them to ****ing die, plus I want my main event to last more than a ****ing minute, or the fans will go ape-****. It's just good business"

Despite this being a non-UFC event, Dana also gave Tim a win bonus for his immaculate performance, doubling his purse to $1,300 and a second Baconator combo.

Needless to say, Timbo was excited with his win, and partied hard afterwards. His partying was a little controversial however, as he was spotted partying while wearing his police uniform. The small Illinois police department, where he is an officer of the law 1 day a month, said they were OK with it, as they know Tim doesn't have the funds for any other clothing. They did say, however, once he get his first $20 million pay day back in the UFC, they expect him to buy some personal wear.

This morning, Tim said his hangover was so bad, he could relate to the pain his opponent must be feeling today. Luckily, Dana's bonus came in handy.

thelegend2011-08-24 06:51:11 +0000 #2
I LOL'ed lots at the Dana quote
Buckery2011-08-24 07:17:10 +0000 #3
DriveBy732011-08-24 07:43:39 +0000 #4
That's pretty damn good!!! =]
Hippiepotamus2011-08-24 06:54:27 +0000 #5
Very impressive sir.
Jeff Mondo2011-08-24 08:40:52 +0000 #6
He even wears a mouthguard while he's doing mall security service?



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