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To Love or to be Loved by John Douillard

Nichole2010-07-04 18:05:15 +0000 #1
Have you ever asked yourself, "How much of you are you?"

Is there a deeper more real version of yourself waiting for the right time to show up, but for the most part letting that person out is just way too risky?!

Maybe when you were three years old, someone hurt your feelings and to survive you had to protect. To do this you employed the services of your mind to help you create a personality that would keep you safe. Maybe you became the class clown, a straight A student or Mom's best helper - the better you played these roles the more they liked you. You were safe, loved and appreciated - who could ask for more?

We are all playing a lead role in a movie made by our minds designed to protect us from getting hurt and we try very hard to make a movie that everyone will like. We casted ourselves in this part when we were three years old and we are still reading the same lines from the same script in that same movie thirty of forty years later. Instead of pleasing our parents we find ourselves pleasing our boss, our spouse and even our kids because the script says if I do these things they will like me. Our minds have convinced us that in order to feel loved we have to continue to perform - even into a state of exhaustion. Soon we become resentful because while bending over backwards for everyone else, sooner or later they will let you down. "For crying out loud! I do so much for them, you would think they would show some appreciation!" When we expect everyone in our world to love us back as a return on the investment we made to them, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and disaster.

The mind has created this world of illusion to keep us safe at a time when our senses, emotions and intellect were not yet developed. When we were two, we needed this type of protection, but now at thirty-two we can become the director of our movie and change the script, create a new scene and even take on that role that you were always meant to play - your real, vulnerable, loving and powerful self. Living a life without access to this part of yourself will be, in due time, a very depressing experience. Our senses will only offer you temporary pleasure, you emotions will only distract you from the yearning to be yourself for only so long until - sooner or later you have to step into this new role. The problem is that the mind has got you convinced that you can't do this. "If you just be yourself and love everyone unconditionally and they don't love you back you will be hurt devastated, it is way too risky. Just play is safe and stick with what has been working."

The mind will use your senses and emotions to distract you. It will use fear to make sure you never cross over and drive this chariot to the true - real and powerful part of yourself. It has convinced you that you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough so you better stay put, safely living out a life in the illusion of the mind.

In the world of illusion we can only be happy when something good happens, if something bad happens we become un-happy. Our happiness is totally dependant on "what's happening!" The joy of our soul is available to all of us, all the time. It is not dependant on something happening - it is the expression of our true nature -- and by definition, truth never changes. It is the emotions that change, or mood changes but who we really are is all-ways there for us. A flower, for example, doesn't count the number of bees that come nor does it pump up its smell just when you walk by. Its nature, as is ours, is to expand itself no matter if anyone ever loves you back. We think that we will feel better when Mr. Right comes along and loves us, fully making all our dreams come true. The reality is that this kind of love will never satisfy you.


Nichole2010-07-04 18:18:02 +0000 #2
Please try this exercise: Take a paper and write a love letter to someone you love fully, completely. Someone you trust with all your heart. Tell them all the ways that you love and appreciate them - really go for it. While writing it know that they will never read this letter - it is for your eyes only. As you write it - become aware of how you feel writing this letter. If possible write that now and then come back and finish this article after you've finished. You will see that as you write this letter you will actually feel loved, feel appreciated, you will feel cared for and even feel important. All the things we so desperately think we need from someone else to make us feel good, we actually experience all by ourselves when we give love freely - without any concern that they will read it and then love you back.

This is the game the mind has been playing on us for all these years. To win this game we have to taste the vulnerability of true love by allowing us to love them without the need for any return of investment. "I love you --- but it is no concern of yours" means I now know that what I really seek is to love rather than to be loved.

Dr. John Douillard is the author of four books on health and fitness and practices Ayurveda in Boulder Colorado. For more information about his programs go to

www.LifeSpa.com : rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001...X1DjYQGE7LWd9GYUvxQ=
Pandara2010-07-04 18:42:45 +0000 #3
Dear Nicole,

Just wrote a short note to my beloved as part of your exercise. Mmm, soon after I received a call from my beloved to tell me I am also loved back. This link in with my belief that our thoughts are immediately with the person we think about. I had a talk about how thoughts can change the world last night in my yoga class and also how thoughts not only affect the world, but also the cells of our bodies. Good thing we humans do not sometimes realise the true potential of words and thoughts, otherwise mountains will be flying around on this planet!

Thanks for this exercise and post, it was needed.
Hubert2010-07-04 18:18:20 +0000 #4
Quote:

Originally Posted by Nichole



Dr. John Douillard is the author of four books on health and fitness and practices Ayurveda in Boulder Colorado. For more information about his programs go to www.LifeSpa.com : rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001...X1DjYQGE7LWd9GYUvxQ=

I am practicing what he preaches since a year and a half, without reading his book.

This method does not make you instantly happy, or does not make you happy all the time. But it makes you happy while you write, and often when you re-read what you wrote, you find yourself again in that state of happiness.

I say Amen to that quote, but know, a gram of practice worths tons of theory.

Thank you Nichole. Your advice comes in the right time, as always.
Nichole2010-07-04 19:31:42 +0000 #5
Quote:

Originally Posted by Hubert



I am practicing what he preaches since a year and a half, without reading his book.

This method does not make you instantly happy, or does not make you happy all the time.

This is type of introspective work and this theory of early childhood tactics being outdated tactics as adults is definitely not Douillard's creation nor does it only occur within a Yogic context. This is psychology 101 and Douillard offers it to us in a tidy message and with an effective exercise. I am glad it was good timing for you, because it was for me too. I love how when you put yourself in good company, goodness is all around you.

Can we talk about the happiness thing a bit within this thread?

I have, for just the last 2 or so years, abandoned the goal for happiness. I have been attempting--I say this because I attempt and often fail--to be working toward only truthfulness. I agree very strongly with you Hubert, that this type of work doesn't make you instantly happy or happy all the time, but it does begin to unhook you so you actually have a real chance to have joy and tranquility in your life. I would even go as far to say that it often tremendously painful and terrifying to abandon those outdated tactics for what will serve you for where you are now in your life. And this is for the very reasons Douillard outlines at the beginning of his message: we created this tactics to keep us safe and to keep us loved by the people who raised us. By people, I mean families, but they are still people with all their own tactics, limitations and successes. For me, and for now, happiness is dangerous goal for my life. I am seeking freedom and staying open to the possibility that this may also bring with it more joy in my life. And so far, so good!

With great respect and love,
Nichole2010-07-04 19:44:42 +0000 #6
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pandara



Dear Nicole,

Just wrote a short note to my beloved as part of your exercise. Mmm, soon after I received a call from my beloved to tell me I am also loved back. This link in with my belief that our thoughts are immediately with the person we think about. I had a talk about how thoughts can change the world last night in my yoga class and also how thoughts not only affect the world, but also the cells of our bodies. Good thing we humans do not sometimes realise the true potential of words and thoughts, otherwise mountains will be flying around on this planet!

Thanks for this exercise and post, it was needed.

This is so lovely; thank you for sharing this with all of us.

I had a very similar experience with my husband yesterday.

Our brimming cups overflow...

*
Pandara2010-07-04 18:57:19 +0000 #7
Hi Nichole,

Happiness - for me it is not an emotional state, but the knowledge that it is the underlying current of finding Truth.
Fin2010-07-04 18:50:19 +0000 #8
With great respect, I think the love spoken of here is a romantic love between partners. Although a very powerful emotion which dominates a large part of one’s younger years it has less significance as one gets older.

Love, for me is an emotion I experience with unconstrained flow. I experience it when I see the wonder in a child’s face, I experience it when I see the Walnut Tree in my garden swaying with the wind as though to greet me, I experience it when I see the joy in my elderly parents eyes as they see me after not having seen me for a while, I experience it when I see my wife stop at the gate till my car completely disappears when I go away on extended business trips. Sometimes these feelings are so intense that I start to sob…

As you get older risk taking becomes a lot easier, what people think of you becomes less important. If you exude love, somehow it always seems to be returned, even with total strangers. It’s present in your gait, your eyes & your words, when you love the whole word seem just so beautiful.

I say to everyone, just open your eyes & love, there is just so much joy in the world to Love …

Thank you, Nichole for this post; it has made me think deeper about the nature of love. We are so meant to experience love, everything else I think is just drama.

Best Wishes,

Love,

Fin

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